words. feelings. random stuff.
communication '16. infp. slytherin. fire and blood. survivor. ailurophile. lowkey bookworm. high functioning fangirl. music is my third language. trying hard to remain positive.
every night,
within a few days,
i disappear into your world
and join you in your many quests
i want to embrace you
through the finite pages
of the book in my hands
you gave me a reason to live again
but you’re not even alive
you’re real,
but unreal at the same time
and it kills me that my idea of you
sometimes clashes with reality
for if you were a person
who exists alongside me
the real you will not be without flaws.
some people believe
the pen is mightier than the sword
but if words have that much power
then how did your silence
cause me so much pain?
this dark room you’ve locked me in
this static buzzing in my ears,
they’re eating me alive
rapidly
agonizingly.
if i were a negative,
waiting for development
so i could display an image
instead of conjuring it in my head,
i might have been killed by insanity.
so please answer me
say a word or two,
the first verse of your favourite song
or your favourite poem,
because i need to know you’re still there
i need you to be alive.
the hardest times of my life
happened not too long ago.
it all began with a rose-colored boy.
they told me not to get close,
but ignorance had stripped me off my senses.
i dismissed the warnings, those sirens.
i assured myself i was happy,
until he threw me into the fire
and i had to pull myself out.
as he begged for my forgiveness,
i feigned a smile, turning on my fake happiness mode.
but it wasn’t the last time i was thrown into the fire.
twenty six days had passed
since the first time we met.
floating in the pool of misery,
i tried not to let my own grudges consume me.
when i saw him again,
he was caught in the middle of a fight
which left him on his own,
no friend to talk and spend time with.
slowly, he turned at me
and began his quest for idle worship.
this time, i couldn’t keep my grudges at bay.
i threw him into the fire we had started,
walked away, and never looked back.
nobody should tell me how to feel about him,
not now, not ever.
(in honor of paramore’s new release)
in the – hopefully – not foreseeable future,
you will sink into the ocean,
joining countless undiscovered creatures
and our ancestors
in the bed of the continent
somewhere in another point of my life,
i would have mourned for you
but now that i’ve sunken,
i am glad that at least i won’t be completely alone,
for i will sink into the deep with you.
somebody once told me
our greatest enemy is time
those words had haunted me for ages
but now i understand them,
all too well
time kills us
in the form of age and decay
time chases us
in the form of deadlines
time maddens us
in the form of boredom
however, i also realized
that time can heal us
if we give it a chance
if we don’t let the demons win
and if we let them change us
for the greater good.
i will be better.
i will be better.
i will be better.
for years i had been drowning
but nobody tried to pull me out
as i sunk deeper and deeper
into nothingness.
i couldn’t close my eyes,
my eyelids were heavier than steel
and numb, as if frostbitten
the burden on my shoulder
weighing me down as i fell,
the words i left unsaid
still lingered at the tip of my tongue,
kicking and forcing their way out of my mouth,
but never heard
for the water had canceled them,
turned them into meaningless noise,
another addition to the sea of entropy.
the thoughts i couldn’t share
remained inside my head,
forever haunting me,
never released,
never free.
there was a blank canvas
in the middle of an empty room
everyday, someone walked in
with cans of paint on her hands
and painted on the canvas
until drowsiness took over her
she began the painting
with the colour of night sky
and blended in shades of violet
the canvas that had once been blank,
turned into summer’s night
then she dipped her fingers
into a can of fluorescent paint
and touched the sky within her reach,
one star for each day of her return
at last, the canvas was full of stars
and the picture is halfway done
she was working on an outline of the forest
when somebody barged into the room
she turned on her back,
just as the figure pulled out a revolver
and shot the painting behind her
until the sky was full of holes
where the stars had once been.
thought that i was alone here
shielded with emerald leaves
guarded by the arms of pine trees
i was free, i was unbound
serenity rushed through my veins
then your shadow appeared
in the corner of my eyes
creeping from behind those arms
and beneath my bare feet
then i found myself running
running,
running through the woods
that once was my source of calamity
now transformed into anxiety
i was running
when something gripped my feet
black mass, lacerating my skin
in a split second, it stopped me
and i saw nothing.
the clock is ticking
telling me it’s almost midnight
four hours have passed
since your last call
i glance at the window
and all i see was snow
no cars, no one outside
no sounds but the clock
and my own breath
my phone vibrates in my hand
but it’s not from your message
i let it go, but the trembling doesn’t stop
i’m inside but i feel so cold
as i turn the lights out,
there’s a knock on our door
and another
and another
rapidly
i turn it back on
and rush into the front door
i look at the window
thank god, it was you
but before i had the chance
to open the door
you rush in, no greetings
something falls out of your grip
into the floor
a bronze key, the same as mine
covered in white
but stained with red.
when you say you love me,
i hope that includes
loving my dark side as well
love me when i show up
with bags under my eyes
and reds between the whites
love me when you call me
and hear the cracks in my voice
as i assure you, “i’m fine.”
love me when i lose myself
and love me when i get her back
love me in my best days
and in my darkest nights
love me when i want to live forever
and love me when i don’t
when you say you love me,
i hope you mean it this time.
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